leap from the chasm

You are caught in the chasm between pleasure and boundless pain. Restless, unsatisfied... guiltily pleased and relentlessly saddened by the bad things that happen in the world. Separated couples, starving children, the plump lady there who runs only to miss her bus. You take petty joy in these bad things as only a hurting, vengeful soul does. Yet you sympathise and feel the slicing pain and angry for them! - as a comrade, someone who has gone through pain too.

Do you believe in love, adoration, loyalty, justice? Who knows what values you even hold these days. How could you look at pain and smile? Even if a little bitterly. It is horrendous that you should take even the slightest joy in such cruelty. You are fickle and nonchalant, hurting, hurtful, a pen loaded with poison.

You are not living for God, and you are not living for yourself. But you aren't sure that you are worshipping the devil just because you can't make yourself read the bible, just because you feel funny things about serious matters. Perhaps you are. Who knows.

If you had only brought your questions to one who could answer then.
But you didn't.
You tried everything and everyone but.
And you found...
nothing.

All this restlessness and strangeness yields to furious combustion. But you are afraid to say this to anyone. All the others around you are clueless surrounding shadows, anyway. Do they know better? Ha.
They're stuck in the same hole as you are.

Deny, deny, whatever you do - lie through your teeth, whistle in the storm, die with a laugh plastered all over your mouth.

There, over there... over...... what? Where are you again?
Is the sun rising or setting?
And is that a moon?
Or an owl...
Lost.
You are lost in a whirl of messy thoughts that don't make sense, your poor posture (slouched on a high stool by a low table), the cheap-sounding jingles blasting on the too-bright television. Distracted like hell.

You smiled your way through the day.
And at the end of the day, you were disgusted because all you really did was to lie. You always joined the crowds in calling the wolf bad, but you were really the wolf all along. Crud.

The day ended and you felt like you ended too.
Perhaps because today you reached hell. And realised Hell wasn't being covered waist high in pig shit, or being deep-fried like a human wonton. It was blinding darkness - darkness thicker than your winter jacket, suspension, being neither near the top or touching bottom. No perspective. No aims. No sense. No love. No hope. No dreams. No hate, no sadness, no feelings, nothing tangible. No life, no death, no heart, no soul, no spirit......

If you only realised at that moment, that heaven was just one step away...
One choice...
One whisper...
One shout...
One yielding heart...

Then you would have left your blinding path for illuminated freedom.
Then you would have found that living was afterall what you had wanted all along.