Dear Damien,
I am standing staring at the ocean on the rock my sanctuary where we often used to frequent and I am captured once again by the beauty of it all on this quiet and still day. I stand and stare at the silhouette of the hills behind the still blue water and I hear almost like a beckoning call, calling me to come. I had so often wanted to run into those arms but I do not know how, so today maybe I will just run as fast as I can and jump and hope that it is those arms that will catch me.
I have been riding on the waves of my superficial facade for a very long time and as we both know, that facade is but a thin shell that would one day break. It was close to breaking last night, and as I wake and felt I could hold on another day, I know it will be in time that that hollow shell that I lean upon will collapse into the deep chasm of darkness that lies beneath. I was scared of that happening before, but now I know how it feels like to fall deep, and I know that it will eventually happen. Unless I choose to hang on to something other.
I am sick of making stupid jokes and talking about the latest model of the BMW. I am sick and tired of having pedicures and manicures with endless girlfriends when I do not even care about my nails. I am sick and tired of initiating endless activities that would be in the interest of all walking flesh in my family just to make sure we all feel connected to each other. I am sick and tired of initiating connections that most often, fall flat. When the tide of that predictable structure of time comes and space comes between us I see how frail my attempts have been and the limp shell of our relationships break. I know, beyond that thin shell everyone lies disconnected and destined to face what is to come on that next wave, alone. I just do not know how to hold on. I do not know how to root in deeper, dear Damien.
Do you remember Damien, about that one time when you told me while sitting on your window sill that sometimes you feel the world is spinning so fast and all you can do is wish you were a part of it? And you said you do not know how to hang on, and I said to you that we cannot move at the world's pace, we just have to set out own and hope something catches on. All we can do is go at our own pace and hope it is moving in rhythm with the world's and somehow we would start spinning together. And you smiled and then we walked out hand in hand to get a coffee. The coffee store was so full we somehow knew that the rest of them at the coffee store were walking to our pace too. And I felt that I was connected to you, holding your hand. And it felt good walking beside you and your parachute print hoodie with coffee in hand. We talked about how good it was to feel like the world was walking at our pace and you said even if they weren't it felt good that I was walking at your pace.
And then another time you told me that you felt like you were moving so fast being so caught up that you just want to stop. You said you were tired and you didn't care if another train goes by without you. I asked you, why are we all so obsessed with catching them trains anyway? You stood surprised when I said that I would rather stand in front of the train so the world collides with me. And then I will be imprinted in their memory. You asked me, what for I want to go around colliding? Colliding breaks them shells I said. And then you said that we may break them shells by colliding but then it ain't enough to break them shells. You need to leave a mark too. People collide without remembering, people collide without connecting. I laughed and said to you, the conversation is starting to feel like a dark dark cloud that would sit above our heads for a very long time and I want to go back above while I still can. So we went and got ourselves a pedicure where you told me you had stood in front of my train and collided with me and then you lingered to make sure I was not just a dent in your little shell. I told you softly that you often stood at the edge of my thin shell ready to be immersed into what lies beneath. I often wanted you to leave your trail but I never knew how to allow my precious thin shell to crack open. Not even for you. Not then anyway. But then I would complain at how we only touch one another at a very shallow level.
We all touch one another at a very shallow level don't we? I asked you one day, and you said we all choose to be touched at a very shallow level for often we are unaware of the depth. And you said to me that I didn't know but I had cracked your thin shell. And it was one in a million. I had not touched you shallow. And I saw in your sparkling blue eyes that you spoke the truth. And you laughed. One in a million darling, one in a million. But now you know what connecting underneath the thin shell feels like, you were dissatisfied, you said. I said that I was sick of layering another coat of enamel on the thin shell that would someday crack. I want to dive in, deep. My friend Candy once told me that there's this pill that takes you far away. I tried that pill once, twice, and three times too many, it messed with my head and then I came out of it realising I have floated beyond the thin shell, floated far far beyond in the wrong direction. I was not deeper. It took me to another place so I forgot about the thin shell and all that it covers. What a waste of time, I wanted to go inside that thin shell so I know that one day when the thin shell cracks, there is more. I am dissatisfied I said to you tears in my eyes. You took me in your arms and we floated someplace else. And I know this was a different place to the one Candy's pills took me to. I think this was your place you brought me to. Inside your thin shell I saw a burning fire. And you told me it was your heart. I wish I did take you to mine. Because right now I am so dissatisfied.
Dissatisfied like not watching the end of a movie. Dissatisfied like not finishing a very good book. Not because I didn't want to but because I cannot find the end. Dissatisfied like an unfinished meal. Dissatisfied like watching a life cut short. Your life Damien. You told me once that you had a long time ago felt you had enough and were sick of life, and so you planned a clever way of ending it. You said you had it all sorted, you had the time and place, the letters written, the way you were going to do it, all the things you needed. And you sat down to go through with it and then you realised that you could at any time end your life. In that moment you felt you were in control of life and you could stop it at anytime you wanted. And so you stood up and left the room, and left the city and lived. And then you went on to do outrageous things like winning them oscars.
And then one day it crept up on you didn't it? Before you were ready. It took you when you were riding your highest waves. You may have been in control of it while you were living Damien but you weren't really in control of death were you? Really. But where does it leave me Damien? Leaves me dissatisfied. Dissatisfied while watching a life cut short. I am dissatisfied, and as I stand staring at the ocean on the rock, my sanctuary where we often used to frequent I want to jump into it and be a part of it. I am dissatisfied at just standing and looking at the beauty of it all. I want to run into those arms. And maybe I might. Today.
I was not ready to let you go. I was just beginning to have hopes for us both. I was just beginning to fall in love with you. To let you in beyond that thin shell. I am just starting to get connected with you Damien Drew. You went beyond my thin shell and you held on. Tight. I don't know how to do this myself.
Did you remember how I resented you when we first met. Walls of stone erected around my heart at the sound of your name for your story went before you. You were quite the teenage heartthrob and there were more than 10 things I hated about you. Your reputation went before you. But I had been charmed, just as the world was as they watched you impressed at the million roles you played out. And then you came in, and lingered and dwelled. I started to like you. You and your parachute print hoodie. I stopped resenting you the day I saw your thin shell crack. The brilliant Damien Drew, the waves of your superficial facade were definitely high, and you rode it. But you weren't interested in painting that facade to me. You showed me the crack. The day I found you sitting on your window ledge playing in your head your goodbye scene. I could not understand why a guy like you would feel the way you feel at night, until I see underneath that thin shell. And I crept inside.
Many a times you played that goodbye scene, and many a times you allowed me in to hold you back, and then one day I saw you loved me, not above, but underneath that crack. So we planned many a days together in the sun, and you pushed to crack my thin shell. I said one day you would see underneath that crack. You reached in and held on tight so that the crack would see the light, like yours. You said. As I tread softly but deeply as you allowed me to you said that light flooded in, and the cushions of light floated in that deep dark chasm underneath the thin shell of yours. I did not understand what you meant but I guess the deeper you went, the higher your tides went because you were starting to fly, Damien. Your deepest darkest was your highest and brightest time. And then you left. You did not live to find out did you? You left. Snatched away and now, what is left in my thin shell is a crack.
I have managed to ride on the waves of my thin shell but I know the time is coming when it will collapse into that deep chasm. Because I haven't learnt like you to allow them cushions of light underneath. Maybe a collision will break that shell, and then I won't be so afraid of that deep dark chasm because maybe then like you said, light can flood in. So maybe today I will run really fast, sprint and jump into that beauty around me so I can collide with it. Maybe today I will collide with God.
I just ran and jumped, Damien. Trying to collide with God.
I am lying here in pain but wow. All I can think of is that quote from that movie we watched so many times together and I hear Tomtom saying it over and over again "after I jumped it occurred to me life is perfect, life is the best, full of magic, beauty, opportunity... and television... and surprises, lots of surprises, yeah. And then there's the best stuff of course, better than anything anyone ever made up, 'cause it's real." I could have waited like you and slowly learnt how to hang on. Slowly learn to reach beyond all those thin shells. Slowly learn to hang on to something other. Life was a choice, full of choices and I could have chose to slowly wait and slowly learn to choose to reach beyond the world of thin shells.
My mind wanders to the things I have heard about suicide, how it's a door straight to hell. I don't want to go to hell Damien. I never wanted to commit such a thing, suicide. I just wanted to collide with God. So I did cry out to God. For it was at this time when I needed to know Him most. I needed Him somehow to rescue me. I was falling fast. And as quickly as I cried out, as quickly I fell and as quickly I felt His hand wrap around me and I heard Him calling to me telling me it'll be alright because He loves me. I held this warm hand and said I was sorry about jumping but I just wanted to collide. He said He forgives me because He loves me.
Love is that what it is? Love is that what it is that will awaken what is beneath that thin shell. Love. Is that what it is that will allow the light to flood into that deep chasm. Love, is that what it is that will root in deep. Love, is that what it is that will crack the thin shell and leave a trail. Love. Love. Love. Is that what was burning in your heart Damien? That fire I saw when you showed me your heart? Love is that what it is that have connected us, Damien? Love is that what I should hold on to? Love. Love is that what it is that had caught me? That had allowed Himself to be collided with me? Love is that what it is that I should've chose to learn to do? Love.
I should have learnt to love. Maybe if I loved you Damien, pure like He loves me. Dear Damien Drew what if I loved you?
The light is fading and it is getting too painful to keep writing this letter. But I will decide to love Him back and to love you right now. It is okay Damien, I am fading out but I will be alright, He loves me and I accept that. I will be alright, I may even see you in a few minutes. I will be alright, maybe I will love God back. What if I do?
It is not too late I hear Him say, I know for now I see the deep chasm and it's filled with light. Apparently I have all eternity to love Him back. The pain is fading.
Sincerely, truly and genuinely,
Maya Madigan.
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